


Trust Him To Love You Back

by Veronibell



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Harry is a sweetheart, Kissing of the sweet and kind variety, Louis is kinda an idiot, M/M, depressive thoughts in one part
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-06
Updated: 2014-07-06
Packaged: 2018-02-07 16:54:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1906674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Veronibell/pseuds/Veronibell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Love is about trust. Love is about passion. Love is about desire.<br/>Louis has the passion. He as the desire. But he doesn't have the trust in himself.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>  <i>" Louis, you need to trust him: trust him to love you back."</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	Trust Him To Love You Back

**Author's Note:**

  * For [EponineTheStrange (gallifreyandglowclouds)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gallifreyandglowclouds/gifts).



> When I started this I had a plan, it was a very nice plan. This is in no way the plan. This is so far from the plan it isn't even funny. I hope you enjoy this regardless.
> 
>  
> 
> WARNING: there is a bit in this that deals with self image and self perception issues. This is something that was written from personal experience, and something I can handle, however not everyone can, so if you don't want to read that, please don't force yourself to. I fully understand.
> 
>  
> 
> Writing this I listened to several songs on repeat, I recommend listening to them as you read. For the bit about H/L's friendship through to returning from their trip it is 'Familiar Taste of Poison' by Halestorm. Louis in the Mirror; "Beautiful With You' and 'Break In' both by Halestorm, and from post shower/Lou talking 'Save You' by Simple Plan and 'Little Things' by 1D
> 
>  
> 
> General Disclaimer: I don't own or know anyone depicted in this story. This is just the product of this author's over active imagination. I don't make any money from this.
> 
> PS: The formatting is probably weird but that is cause this site hates me sometimes.

Thinking back on things, it probably should have hurt a lot more than it did at the time. Three years of dating and it was all over in a matter of ten minutes. Everyone always says that when a relationship ends mutually, the other is ‘a great person, but it just wasn’t working for us anymore; we will always be friends’. Louis, however, thinks that that is a load of bull.

Yeah, sure, Eleanor is a lovely woman, and yes, things just weren’t working for them now. Louis was tired of seeing El get hateful and hurtful messages from people; he was tired of seeing his little sister try and defend the girl; he was tired of the tension that seemed to follow the pair everywhere, on every date and every outing.

He was tired of trying to pretend like he was in love.

Maybe at one time he had been in love with El; he did love her for putting up with all the crap that came along with being in the spotlight by association. Yet he was never _in love_ with her. Their relationship, despite what some would think, was never fake, but it didn’t seem all that genuine either. They would never be able to remain friends; they were both too different to work as friends, and she couldn’t fully understand what it was like in his world. Lovely girl, yes. Understanding, mind? Not so much.

So they sat down and talked like the reasonable adults they were. Both deciding that three years was long enough, that there was no use continuing to make themselves miserable by prolonging their relationship. It was time to part ways. It was over.

Louis wouldn’t be alone, though. He may be single now, but he wasn’t alone.

He still had Harry.

Harry was the one thing that remained constant in Louis’ life. The bright eyed, dimpled, caring boy was still his in some way (and Louis hoped, always would be), he was still there. Their feelings for each other went deeper than either of them really thought they could to begin with.

Louis knew that what he felt for Harry wasn’t normal for friendship. He must have felt it right from the start, what else would have made him jump into the arms of a complete stranger when told that his chance of making something of himself wasn’t crushed? What else would have let them become so close so fast? What else could have let them survive through the last three, almost four, years?

Louis had been asked in the past what his and Harry’s friendship was like, yet he had never been able to find a satisfactory answer to the question. At least, he had never been able to come up with one that wouldn’t result in him having his arse served on a silver platter to him by management and PR.

The truth was that his friendship with Harry felt like coming home; it felt safe. It was knowing that there was one person who was there without having to be asked; he would be there without a second thought. It was having someone there that would give his life for yours, just as you would give yours for his. That was the truth: Louis would give his life if it meant that Harry would be safe.

Their friendship was having one person who, without fail, could make you smile and laugh when you were a mess of tears and sadness. It was that other part of you finally coming back.

It was love; total and complete unconditional love.

There was no judgement in his and Harry’s relationship. Louis knew everything about Harry, and he loved all of it. Louis loved the silly jokes, the headscarves, the ridiculous hats and printed shirts; he loved the way Harry loved with his whole heart and soul. He loved the way that Harry seemed to instinctively know Louis’ mood, seemed to know when he needed space, or when he needed a cuppa, or when he needed a cuddle and a good talk.

Louis’ friendship with Harry was the easiest thing that Louis knew. It was almost like breathing or blinking; it was something that just happened, with no control or conscious input.

Sometimes Louis felt that it was like sneezing; one moment he would be fine, feel fine, like when he was with all the boys, or the two of them were in the flat hanging out. Then he’d start to get this odd tickling feeling; a feeling that was familiar when he did something around Harry that should be normal, or when he did something that was just for Harry.

Then there was the sneeze; the out-pouring of energy when he couldn’t help but look fondly at Harry, when he couldn’t stop himself from basking in Harry’s attention.

It was like the body’s automatic reaction for your eyes to close, and in that one single moment, for your heart to literally stop.  
There were times when Louis just wanted to close his eyes against the image of yet another string of hate messages, against the overwhelming need to protect Harry from yet another of management’s schemes.

There were times that Louis could feel his heart stop in his chest at the sight of that gentle, completely pleased, small smile that came to Harry’s face when he looked at Louis.

At the sound of his laugh.

Louis knew Harry better than he thought he would know anyone; he knew Harry better than he knew Stan or his girls.

There was just something instinctual about the way he knew and loved Harry. That really is the only word that Louis thinks fits with their relationship: instinctual. However, Louis was aware that should he say that to any form of media, he would be asking for the shit to hit the fan.

~~~

“Hey, Lou?” Louis was pulled out of his train of thought by the sound of Harry’s voice. Louis looked away from where he was staring mindlessly at the drops of rain running down the windows of their flat; he couldn’t help but think that the weather was the perfect reflection of his mood.

“Yeah, H?” Louis stood and watched as his best friend shifted in the armchair, pulling at the cuffs of his oversized jumper, refusing to look directly in Louis’ eyes for more than two seconds at a time. Sure signs that he was nervous about whatever he wanted to ask. “H? What is it?”

“It’s... well- I just wanted to ask if you and Eleanor breaking up had to do with… well, had to do with me?” Louis felt his brow furrow.

“What makes you think that?” Louis saw him shift again. He watched Harry pick at the cuff of his sleeve.

“I know it makes me sound conceited but it’s just, like… I know that she and I never really, like, got along, and that she was getting all this hate. And I saw some of the things that were being said and most of them were about, like, how you seem to be happier with me than you ever seem to be with her, even though we haven’t really been interacting much over the last tour and break.

“And then there’s all the crap with management and me having to be seen with all these women to counter the Larry stuff. But, yeah, I just know that she never really liked me and I’ve never known… why.

“And we have been a bit, like, off I guess? For a while now, and like, now you two have ended things, but, like... you never talked to me about it. And that’s something we’ve always talked about... Like our relationships and stuff. But this time you didn’t and, like, I didn’t even know about it until that interview. And- yeah… I guess I just wanted to know that I wasn’t, like, the cause of it or something.”

Louis just stood there for a moment letting Harry’s words sink in. Was he really that much of an arse that he never noticed how much Harry actually saw of the bullshit from management about the Larry talk? Was he really that ignorant that he didn’t notice the toll it had all taken on their friendship, and how Harry seemed to think that it was possibly because of him?

Louis had to fix it.

Walking from the window he made his way over to Harry, squishing onto the arm chair with him, ending up mostly _on_ Harry.

“Haz, firstly, no. El and I ending things wasn’t ‘cause of all that. We were both trying to make things work when there really wasn’t anything to make work. We were both miserable, like, it was just time to end things. She and I both knew that.

“And Hazza… I’m so sorry if I made you think that she was more important than you and me. I never meant to hurt you. Yeah, management have been on my case recently, but that had nothing to do with the Larry stuff; you know that’s never truly bothered me, yeah? I think it’s cute the fans still think there’s something between us after all this time.

“And they’re right, like, we are more than just friends, and maybe they take it a little too far sometimes, but... You are more than _just_ a friend to me, okay?

“I never meant to avoid talking to you about the El thing, either. It was just something that we’d been talking about for a few weeks. I guess I wasn’t, like, conflicted about it. I knew that was what needed to happen. And, okay, I probably _could_ have picked a better time to say that things were over than in the middle of an interview, but I’ve always been one for the dramatic and you know it. That, and Liam’s face was priceless.” Louis was pleased when he felt Harry’s shock of laughter ripped from him.

“Oh my god, that was pretty funny. But, Lou, does your family know?”

That was Harry through and through, Louis noted, always thinking of others.

Louis grimaced; that was not going to be a fun conversation, and he knew that there would be three different versions he was going to have to tell.

“Uh, no, I probably should tell them before that interview is aired.”

Louis chewed at his nails, something that he had picked up from the boy he was currently sitting on.

“Hey H? What’s your opinion on human sacrifice?” Louis knew that if he could persuade Harry to come with him he could shove Harry at his mother and possibly soften the blow of the talk he would inevitably have to have with her. After all, it was no secret that the Tomlinson women were completely taken with the curly haired lad.

Louis would bet his car that his mother had talked to Anne about trading children.

“If you think that by taking me with you to see your mum is going to get you out of having to tell them you are so, very, very wrong,”  
The smile fell from Louis face.

“However, I’ll still come with you if you’re planning a trip.” Louis shifted a bit to get more comfortable, feeling Harry’s arms come up to make sure he didn’t fall off. Louis ended up tucked under Harry’s chin. There were advantages to being so small, and friends with a giant: their heights were perfect for cuddling.

“Yes! Thanks H,” Louis’ voice came out softer than he had planned.

“You’re welcome, Lou.”

Harry’s arms tightened around him in response. They stayed like that for another two hours before Louis had set about arranging a trip to Doncaster. That meant Louis had five days to work out what the hell he was going to say to his family.

~~~

The friday of their trip came around faster than Louis hoped. Now he was in his car on the way up to Doncaster. He was only a few hours away from having to tell his mother everything.

Sitting slouched in his seat with his ray bans and beanie, tea clutched in his hands, he questioned.

“H? Remind me again why _you_ are driving _my_ car?”

“Because, like all the fans think, you’re absolutely useless before you’ve had at least two cups of tea, and I in no way trust you to keep us on the road half asleep. I value my life. So just sit back, drink your tea, and enjoy the ride.”

Behind his sunglasses Louis raised his eyebrow.

“You’re lucky I’m still on cup number one, or I’d have some witty remark,”

He had to stop and yawn, and caught Harry looking at him with a smirk. “Keep driving, peasant,”

The only response he got was a laugh.

Some time during the drive Louis must’ve fallen asleep in his seat, only waking when the engine cut off. Uncurling from the passenger seat he noticed that they were now at his family’s place.

Louis was hit with unexpected nervousness about this whole thing. His mum was a mum; she seemed to know more than what even Louis knew, especially when it came to his feelings and relationships. It wasn’t like he was afraid to tell her that he and El had broken up, it was more that he was afraid of what else she might tell him. He wasn’t too concerned about what his sisters would say. Well, most of his sisters anyway; he had no idea what Lottie would say.

Suddenly there was a warm hand on his knee.

“Boo, it’ll be fine. I’ll distract the girls, so you can talk to your mum, and then we’ll swap, and if things go badly I can always talk to Lottie. I know you’re worried about what she’ll say,”

The hand, which was rather large and warm, squeezed in reassurance. “They love you, Lou. They’ll support you no matter what. And if it all goes wrong, we jump in the car and go see my mum; you know she loves you,”

Harry was calm and so at ease, yet he knew what Louis needed to hear.

Dropping Harry’s hand and lacing their fingers briefly, Louis squeezed back and moved to get out of the car.

“You know, coming here always reminds me of home-visits week from X-factor.”

Louis looked at Harry, who was getting their bags from the car, with a raised eyebrow.

“Okay, it’s a different house, but like, it still reminds me how wide-eyed and shocked we were that we’d made it so far. That was when it really hit me that we’d actually done it, like, done this. I loved, like, the chaos of your place back then. Still do.”

Louis huffed out a laugh, “You are such a sap H. And we haven’t even made it into the house yet!”

At that moment the front door burst open.

“LOU!”

Louis felt his face split into a grin. The voice wasn’t the one that usually greeted him first, but it was a welcome voice nonetheless. Before he even turned around, Louis had his arms wide open. The weight of his sister against his chest was comforting; Louis buried his face in his sister’s hair breathing out a “Hey, Lotts.”

“Missed you, Lou. What are you doing here?”

Pulling back, Louis brushed Lottie’s hair out of her face.

“Since when do I need a reason to come see you all, baby sis?” The name got the reaction that he expected: Lottie’s face scrunched up, her mouth opened in rebuke, but she was quickly distracted.

“Harry!”

“Hey, Lotts,” Before Louis could comment there were more shouts of welcome, and by the time they actually managed to get inside and put their bags away in the room set aside as theirs for the weekend, Louis could no longer remember why he was so afraid of coming inside.

It was after dinner and after each of his sisters had had the chance of cuddles from both boys; it was a luxury, after all, for them to get this chance. Something that on the bad days of the tour Louis would wish wasn’t the case; now it just made him squeeze them that much closer and kiss the tops of their heads.

It was after the youngest of the girls were up in their beds with reassurances that Louis would still be there when they woke up. Once Fizzy and Lottie were distracted by the TV. That was when Louis felt confident enough to broach the subject behind their visit.

“Mum, could I talk to you for a bit?” Louis bit his lip as he watched his mum’s head raise from the book she was reading, as she nodded with a concerned look on her face. They made their way into the kitchen, Louis squeezing Harry’s shoulder as he walked past, getting a tap on his wrist in return.

Once they were settled at the kitchen table with mugs of tea, as was their custom when they had these talks, Louis could tell that Jay was struggling not to ask point-blank what this was about.

Louis took a deep breath and went for it.

“So Eleanor and I ended things.”

“Oh, darling. What happened?”

“We both decided that it was time for us to move on... We were both miserable and trying to make something work when, like, there wasn’t anything there any longer.

“Mum, it feels good. I feel like I can breathe again, but- I know I shouldn’t feel this way. Like, I broke up with my girlfriend of three years a week ago; I should feel bad, I should be on the couch watching rubbish romance movies, I should be crying into tissues or whatever, and like, making Harry bring me ice cream and cuddle with me.

I shouldn’t just be able to say in the middle of an interview that I’m single now. I shouldn’t have been able to make the decision that I didn’t even need to talk to Harry about it... And I didn’t even realise that I _hadn’t_ talked to him about it. I just- it feels like I moved on way too fast,”

Louis looked down at his mug, thumbing over the pictures on the side.

“Lou, do you regret being with Eleanor?”

Louis looked up sharply. “No.”

“When you were thinking about all of it, when you talked to El, did you feel like you were doing right by her, or that you were going to be ‘free’?”

Louis quirked an eyebrow at her questions.

“I did it because it was right for both of us. We weren’t in love. I…I think she may’ve been in love with me at one point, but,” Louis paused.

“I don’t think that I was ever in love with her.”

Of all the things he thought his mother might say, the next thing out of her mouth was in no way what he was expecting.

“You never were,”

It caused him to choke on the mouthful of tea he’d just taken.

“Come again?” he croaked. Jay just smiled across the table at her son. Louis could see the fondness and slight amusement on her face.

“You were never in love with her, Boo. You were fond of the girl, yes. But you were never in love with her, because you are already in love with someone. You had been for years already.

“That someone was always getting in the way of you truly loving Eleanor. The two of them were probably never all that fond of each other. This person had been on your mind for years, and I know that they’ve never been too far away the entire time, either.

I just wonder if you know who I mean. Because, darling, this person is wonderful and I already consider them family.”

Louis gulped. He knew who she was talking about. He knew, but it was someone he had told himself that he wasn’t allowed to think about.

And see this proved Louis’ theory that his mother would know something more; that his mother would be able to see something in him before he could let himself see it.

She had known that he had a crush on the new neighbour’s son when he was 15. She knew that he would make it on X-factor; she knew that Louis would always be apprehensive about any performance for the X-factor finales. Now she knew that he’d never been able to love El, because he was already halfway in love with Harry.

He wasn’t shocked that she knew, wasn’t shocked that it was true, either. He was more shocked that he _wasn’t_ freaking out about it.

He was halfway in love with his best friend.

“Mum… Harry means everything to me. I can’t stuff it up. I can’t tell him and risk that things would be weird between us.” Louis gripped the hand that reached out to him.

“Lou, he’s here with you now. I’d bet that he even offered to come up here with you. I’d bet that he’s sitting on that couch waiting for you to come back so you can have a cuddle.

“I know that the two of you’ll be sharing a bed tonight, just like you have every night that you’ve stayed here in the past, like you did in the X-factor house, and like you probably have on tour. I know that the two of you have always been closer than ordinary friends; certainly closer than you’ve ever been with Stan, and closer than either of you are with the other boys.

“I know that you love him dearly. And I very much doubt that anything you could do would be able to make that boy hate you, or walk away from you, or make anything awkward, or whatever else you think may happen. Louis, you need to trust him: trust him to love you back. Harry loves you back, I know it. He’s willing to go anywhere with you. He’s so caring and wonderful to you, to the girls, and to everyone who you could possibly care about,”

Louis looked at Jay as she spoke, his cheeks growing warm. Could Harry really love him back? Could they have what he was missing with El?

No. No, he wouldn’t let himself get his hopes up. He could and would be happy just to have Harry as his best friend.

He felt Jay move round the table. He raised his eyes to look at her as she placed a finger underneath his chin, tipping his head slowly to face her.

“Louis. Trust.”

He closed his eyes against the rush of emotions he felt when she placed a kiss to his forehead. He felt like a little boy again, desperate for a bit of attention from his mum after Lottie was born. It was an action filled with so much warmth and love; it was so familiar that he couldn’t help but wrap his arms around her and just hold on.

Louis was shocked out of his bubble by Harry poking his head around the corner of the doorframe.

“Oh- sorry to interrupt, but these two won’t go to bed without saying goodnight to their big brother,”

“Aww,” both boys huffed at Jay’s coo.

“Well alright then, I suppose I can bid them sweet dreams,”

As he walked toward Harry the other boy turned and crouched. Louis grinned and launched himself at Harry’s back, giggling at Harry’s stumble. “Onward good stead!”

“As you wish, my good sir,”

That was Harry and Louis through and through: they each knew exactly what was needed to bring the other out of his own head. Louis knew that Harry would try and talk to him about it; that was just who he was. Louis would most likely be too afraid to tell him the truth, but he still had Harry at any rate. So he tapped twice over Harry’s heart where his arms crossed over his chest in thanks.

~~~

The next two weeks after the interview that started it all were busy for all the boys. Interview to meeting to radio performance to wardrobe fittings to interview to recording to yet another interview.

He and Harry had fallen into a routine since coming home from Doncaster. Much of it was the same, but now Louis was spending more time contemplating what his mum had said.

He looked at how they interacted, how they gravitated toward each other no matter what they were doing. He was aware that the boys were starting to wonder why he was beginning to withdraw from conversation. Harry especially would look to Lou with a crease between his eyes. Every time Louis caught it he would make sure to tap a finger to Harry’s wrist or hip. Their old signal to the other that they were okay.

But despite the routine, it was all starting to wear on Louis.

Every interview was the same; same questions, same answers, same results. Every meeting was long and hardly something they needed to be there for. Wardrobe fittings were a bit better; at least they actually had some input into what they were going to wear for the foreseeable future. Performances were fun; getting back into the swing of being in front of an audience, getting to let loose a little bit.

Studio days were the ones Louis looked forward to the most, though they were infrequent at that point in the album production. Those were the days when he didn’t have to look put together, when he didn’t have to worry about what people would see when they looked at him. He could wear sweatpants and oversized jumpers that were more often than not Harry’s; days when he could shove a beanie over his hair.

The days where they were under a microscope of flash bulbs and lenses were out-numbering the quiet days. They were ripping and tearing at the hole in Louis’ confidence and self assurance that he had kept so well hidden for so long.

Now, stood looking at his reflection in the wardrobe mirror, all Louis could see were flaws. All he could see was dull mousey hair that fell limply in his face. All he could see were eyes that were slightly different shapes, each with lines framing them. All he could see were sharp teeth when he smiled, with more lines to show by his eyes and cheeks.

All he could see were pale cheeks; shadows falling on his face from the harsh angles of his cheekbones. He could see a jawline that was too defined and covered with dark, prickly hair. He could see defined muscles of his arms that were at odds with the slight band of fat around his middle. All he could see were soft curves and a petite waist which caused him to stand out from the others. All he could see was dark ink in random shapes and doodles, etched under his skin forever.

He could see blunt fingers, chewed off nails, and ripped skin. He could see big thighs that would jiggle when he moved a particular way. All he could see was his arse; a continuation of the curves. All he could see was everything he tried so hard to ignore, but standing there in his boxers, weighted down with so much exhaustion, it was impossible to skate over those flaws.

Every harsh word that had ever been shouted, written, or tweeted at him bounced around his head _worthless, fat, ugly, sissy, weak, forgettable, plain_.

The tears that started making their way down his cheeks were just something else that Louis hated about it. The tears made tracks through the residual makeup, showing the dark shadows under his eyes, the painfully pale skin mottled with blemishes. The hitched breaths that came next shook his body. The thoughts and feeling got worse, until all he could see were the extra bits of fat shake and move; his flabby stomach contracting and rolling, the flab of his thighs wobbling when his tears became full body sobs. Every minute movement his body made became fuel for the self-loathing that overtook Louis’ mind.

He can’t recall when he went from standing, looking for the flaws, to huddled on the ground; knees drawn to his chest, arms wrapped around them, his head buried in the gap between his chest and knees, sobs still wracking through his body. He was crying so much that he didn’t hear the door to the flat opening. He didn’t hear his name being called. He didn’t hear the rushed footfalls when his cries could be heard in the entryway. He didn’t see the bedroom door being thrown open, nor did he see the pain and worry etched onto Harry’s face when he saw his Louis curled on the floor. He didn’t hear the soft words whispered in his ear. He didn’t feel the gentle hands running through his hair and trying to pry his hands away from the bruising grip he had on his own arms.

The thing that finally brought him some awareness was when he felt himself being picked up. He dazedly registered that Harry had picked him up off the floor and laid down with him on the bed. Louis could now feel the tears still making their way down his face; he could feel the blood pulsing under his skin, no doubt rushing to form bruises on his arms; he could now feel the burn in his throat from the cries that must have been louder than he thought.

He could feel the warmth of the boy still holding him, could smell the earthy warmth with an undertone of mint that is uniquely Harry. He could hear the even thrum of a heart, could feel his head rising and falling in even, controlled movements. He could feel the vibrations of whatever Harry was murmuring to him. He could feel where Harry’s hands were making patterns on his arms and back.

Louis could feel the fight and the energy leaching out of him, his eyes closing for longer and longer with each slow blink.

“Sleep, Boobear,” pressed into his hair was the last thing he registered before exhaustion dragged him under.

~~~

When he blinked his eyes open, Louis found himself still wrapped in the strong arms of his best friend. He could feel a hand in his hair, slowly stroking through the strands. He could feel a cramp in his hand from where Harry’s shirt was bunched in his fist. Louis felt dirty and gritty all over; tear tracks dry and tight on his skin, throat still raw.

The “morning, Lou,” was felt more than heard from his position still curled into Harry’s torso.

“Hi.” Louis cringed at the weak, croaky sound to his voice.

“Feeling better?”

Not willing to test his voice again he just nodded.

“Why don’t you go take a shower and I’ll make us some tea, hm? Meet me in the lounge?”

“Okay,” Louis knew that his voice was soft. He felt Harry run his hand through Louis’ fringe again and place a kiss to the top of his head. Neither of them made a move to get up for a while.

Finally Louis felt a tap on his hip.

The shower helped to clear the fuzz from his mind. He was now just stood under the spray, procrastinating. He knew that going out there meant having to talk to Harry about why he found Louis curled in a ball on the floor of his bedroom, in nothing but his underwear, and with no visible injury. It wasn’t like he was afraid to tell Harry these things; after all, he did know that Louis had these concerns, or at least he knew about them in their X-factor days.

It was more that he wasn’t sure he was really ready to talk about _why_ he felt all of those things rear their heads again. Louis sighed. There was only so much wallowing he could get away with before Harry would just walk into the bathroom with their tea and talk through the glass shower.

Once dressed, he walked hesitantly into the lounge. He wasn’t unaware of how at odds his current behaviour and thoughts were to his usual personality.

Sat on his feet in the corner of their couch Louis waited for Harry. He didn’t have to wait for long before Harry walked in with two mugs of tea and a soft smile on his face.

“Thanks.” Once again his voice came out softer than he meant it to. The two sat in silence before it became too much for Louis.

“How long was I out for?”

“Seventeen hours,”

Louis choked on his tea, looking at Harry with wide eyes.

“Sev- _seventeen hours_? Shit.”

“Yeah, you were totally out of it when I got home. You looked like you needed it, and I didn’t want to wake you up.

“Lou… you’ve been running yourself into the ground. What happened?”

Harry’s eyes were wide and genuine, his tone curious but not pushing Louis for an answer. Louis couldn’t face looking at those eyes or that face while he spoke.

“Remember how during X-factor I always seemed to care what everyone else said about me? How every negative comment seemed to get to me and would cut into any confidence I had?” He heard Harry hum in acknowledgement and felt a hand on his ankle.

“I guess they all just came back tenfold. I don’t even know why. I was just looking at myself in the mirror and I couldn’t, like, stop looking for every little imperfection. We’d been working so much that I was just so tired, and I guess the cracks finally fractured and… yeah, it all got to be too much.”

“You said you looked for flaws, Lou. What do you mean? What ‘flaws’ could you possibly find?” Louis found his eyes falling closed against the wave of emotion he felt clawing at him. He found himself relaxing as Harry’s thumb started sweeping over the skin of his ankle.

“I…I saw the lines by my eyes, I saw different shaped eyes, I saw too-sharp cheekbones and jaw. Harry, all I could see was all the places that I have extra fat clinging, like on my stomach and hips and thighs and arse. Just… Lots of small things…And like, rationally I know most of them aren’t a big deal and that only I could see them, but it just- It felt like wherever I looked all I could see were things that I hated about myself. I saw all the things that I thought would make me less appealing to someone; all the things that would make you stop caring about me-”

“Louis Tomlinson, nothing could make me stop caring. Absolutely nothing. You’re an amazing person, you’re so loving and caring. And you are absolutely gorgeous.  
“Those crinkles by your eyes show that you love to smile, and they show me when you’re smiling genuinely and when you’re happy. Your eyes are beautiful, crinkles and all. Your cheekbones and jaw just make you look even more attractive, like, they define your face and show off that gorgeous smile.  
“And that extra ‘fat’ you think you see? That just makes you better to cuddle. But your thighs are all muscle, they’re powerful and strong. And your hips and arse, well... Your hips are the perfect place to put my hands when I talk to you or hug you. Let’s not forget who has the best arse in England, babe. Lou all those things make you who you are. They make you into someone unique. They make _you_ ,”

Louis was looking down at his hands where they were fiddling with a loose thread on his trousers. He felt a long finger tilt his head up; blue eyes meeting the green eyes that he was so enamoured by.

“Louis listen to me... Whoever you choose to love, whoever that person may be, they will be the luckiest person in the world. Because you’re fun, you’re kind, you love with your whole heart, and you’re bloody gorgeous. The person who loves you will think all these things and more, because that’s what you deserve. You deserve to be loved and reminded every day that that person loves you and that you make them happy. They’ll see all those little things you see and dislike about yourself and they’ll love them… And they’ll never see them as ugly; they’ll never want to change any of them,”

Louis could feel the tears gathering in his eyes. He knew that what he was about to do would either be the best thing, or the worst.

He couldn’t help but think about what his mum said to him: ‘ _you need to trust him, trust him to love you back,_ ’

Taking a deep breath he covered the hand Harry still had on his ankle.

“I choose you.” Louis held his breath waiting for Harry’s reaction. He saw the boy blink.

“What?”

Louis couldn’t tell if he was imagining the trace of hope he could see in Harry’s eyes and voice.

“To love… I choose you to love.”

Harry just stared at him. Louis still felt like he was holding his breath.

Harry still stared at him while Louis moved to chew on his bottom lip. He watched the slow blinks of Harry’s green, green eyes, hoping.

“H? Can you say something? Anything...?”

Any surety that Louis had was starting to slip away.

There was a choked noise and a flurry of movement and suddenly Louis found himself looking up at Harry, with a strong arm around his middle, large hand on his hip; the other cupping his cheek, thumb rubbing slowly and lovingly over his cheekbone.

The two of them seemed to hover for a few seconds before a grin began to stretch over Harry’s face, and Louis found lips pressed to his.

It was a chaste kiss, something slow and sweet, before Harry was pulling back.

“Lou, are you sure? I mean- You only broke up with El a few weeks ago, and like, I know you care about me but are you sure that you want this? Are you su-”

Surging up Louis cut Harry off with a kiss, threading one hand through those curls he loved. This time the kiss was a little more passionate, but no less sweet.

“Haz, I’ve been half in love with you for four years. Yes, I’m sure.”

Kissing him again, Louis made sure that they were looking in each other’s eyes before saying clearly “I. Choose. You.”

Harry made a happy noise before connecting their lips again. This time Louis let himself get lost in Harry’s lips.They shifted around until Louis was lying down on the couch, Harry hovering over him, both of them with huge grins on their faces.

Louis knew that they had a lot to talk about, but right now he couldn’t care. He knew that ending up together after he completely lost it wasn’t the best idea, perhaps, but regardless of that, right now he was happy.

Right now he didn’t need anything but the smile and happiness that was radiating from the boy above him.

Right now, with the weight of the boy he loved pressing him into the couch, he was content that he had made the right choice. Especially when Harry ducked down, and pressed in to his lips:

“I choose you too.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed this. If so please leave a comment :)


End file.
